Veronica Roth said, “Change, like healing, takes time.” And Leonard Cohen said, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
Today, I chatted with Dr. Shefali, an expert in family dynamics and personal development. Dr. Shefali’s groundbreaking approach to mindful living and parenting has taken her books to the top of the New York Times bestseller list and been featured on Oprah and so many other major platforms. Her blend of clinical psychology and Eastern mindfulness sets her apart as a leader in the field of mindfulness psychology. Recently, she’s written a new book called A Radical Awakening: Turn Pain Into Power, Embrace Your Truth, Live Free.
In this episode, we discuss how to awaken yourself and break free from your past, the difference between victim consciousness and victimhood (which was mind-blowing!), why hitting rock-bottom can be a good thing, how to get to the root of what’s causing issues in your relationships, what you need to know about the boundaries you’re setting, and so much more.
I’m such a big fan of Dr. Shefali, but before the episode starts, I want to give a quick trigger warning that we do discuss different forms of sexual abuse and healing from those experiences.
Who Is Dr. Shefali?
Dr. Shefali received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University. Specializing in the integration of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy, she brings together the best of both worlds for her clients. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development, teaching courses around the globe. She has written four books, three of which are New York Times best-sellers, including her two landmark books The Conscious Parent and The Awakened Family.
As an acclaimed author, international speaker, clinical psychologist, and wisdom teacher, Dr. Shefali teaches workshops and courses both online and in-person around the world. Her online courses have helped hundreds of adults and families around the world. They cover topics like anger, anxiety, purpose, meaning, relationships, and conscious health. In addition, she regularly teaches group-meditation classes virtually and in person as well.
Dr. Shefali also founded the Conscious Parenting Method Certification Program — a highly tailored and formatted coaching program replete with specific strategies and techniques to train coaches to help parents help their children unfold to their fullest potential.
Now, let’s jump into my conversation with Dr. Shefali!
The Difference Between Victimhood and Victim Consciousness
If we want to radically awaken, we have to first name toxicity for what it is — and understand that certain cultural norms like objectification and oppression in parts of the world are not okay. Dr. Shefali outlines many cultural standards in her new book including beauty, what it means to be youthful, relationships, and even motherhood. She believes step one is developing a deeper understanding of these projections in the world, which will empower you to progress to step two and heal.
“Step number two, when you radically awaken, is when you take ownership for how you are part of that co-creation. When you talk about victimhood, we are victims. However, being and living in victim consciousness is where we get stuck. If the man I’m with physically abuses me, that is called physical abuse, we should not be afraid to muddy the waters — abuse is abuse. If you’ve been a victim, speak up, empower your children to say ‘I’ve been a victim.’ That’s very different [from] living and being in victim consciousness. Victim consciousness is when you hold on to the perpetration and you now perpetrate yourself and you keep the power with the other person. Not healing and not moving on, blaming the one who took your power away — and we don’t realize that we give them our power even more when we blame the other. We stay tethered to them. True empowerment is to take all power back, including blame.” – Dr. Shefali
These are powerful distinctions. I appreciate what she says about being empowered to call the abuse for what it is, while not allowing the act to continue to hold us in that state of consciousness. Thankfully, people like Dr. Shefali are providing the tools and safe spaces for anyone who’s experienced trauma to not let it define them any longer.
There are usually two pathways to start to heal our trauma, and Dr. Shefali explains why hitting rock-bottom can be a blessing in disguise.
The Power of Hitting Rock-Bottom
It’s not easy to recognize traumas of the past — we put them away and not think about them. I know from my experience that I focused on accomplishing and achieving and being significant and being seen because I didn’t feel seen as a kid. There are two pathways to dealing with trauma — one is voluntarily and the other involuntarily. Very few people do it voluntarily, and Dr. Shefali explains the difference between the two.
“[Voluntary is a desire to] undo my patterns. I went on a spiritual quest when I was 21 [which is] very unusual. I was fascinated by self-work, [and] I knew that was my path. I entered it without any trauma.” – Dr. Shefali
The involuntary way is how most people enter into the deeper work required, though. Usually, an event occurs that’s traumatic, and we feel we’re going to break down.
“You have to really hit rock-bottom. What does that mean? As a therapist, I want rock-bottom for me. It’s not amazing, but it’s not terrible. Hitting rock-bottom is [when we no longer hold onto] our ego or false self. All the ways we were pretending don’t work anymore. That’s why I call it ‘the gift of rock-bottom’ because when you get to that place, most people freak out, but therapists [know] this is your portal because you’re finally without your defenses. The athlete doesn’t work anymore. The comedian doesn’t work, the charmer doesn’t work anymore. The pretty girl doesn’t work — nothing’s working. How amazing. Now you get to go deep to figure out who you are without those roles.” – Dr. Shefali
One of the most difficult parts of this process is giving ourselves the space to tell people organically and not feel compelled that we ‘have to’ tell anyone within specific time frames. We owe it to ourselves to focus on our process and not allow the outside world to dictate how fast we move or who we share this journey with.
Of course, this becomes challenging when we’re in committed relationships, and Dr. Shefali provides some insights into how we can reframe old patterns in disagreements.
How to Reframe Challenging Conversations in Relationships
Being in an intimate relationship where the other person is yelling or screaming because they are angry or blaming can become challenging. How should you respond when they are yelling at you?
“At first, you’re going to respond in the typical way, which is to fight back. When you begin to see that this is the dance, at some point, somebody has to stop the pattern and go, ‘Oh, we have been here before.’ Somebody has to break the pattern, then the other one has to fall because they have to dance alone. The most beautiful gift we can give our partners is to say, ‘I see that you’re hurting. I know you want to make it about me, but I can’t play this game right now.” – Dr. Shefali
This is a powerful lesson to understand — we can’t become part of somebody else’s drama. It’s incredibly difficult, and you’ll need to decide whether you can keep growing with this person. These aren’t questions that can be answered immediately, and if we truly want to grow with our partners, we must be willing to walk the journey for years as they do their own internal work.
