Have you been hurt by past romantic relationships? Maybe your partner cheated on you and left you devastated, feeling unworthy of love. Perhaps, there was never infidelity but constant bickering, and over time, resentment built up which drove you two apart. Or maybe, you’ve never felt truly loved in a relationship.
Whatever your relationship story is, it’s likely that there may be some trauma there. This trauma can keep us from entering new relationships or keep sabotaging them because we haven’t fully healed yet. How do we heal from this trauma and find relationships that last?
If these are questions that you’ve asked yourself, then you’re in luck. Today, we have Dr. Laura Berman, a leading expert in the field of sex and relationship therapy, to help you create the fulfilling and passionate love life you deserve, regardless of your relationship status, gender, or sexual orientation.
In this episode, Dr. Laura and I discuss how to improve and keep your sex life alive and the process of healing trauma so you’ll become a better person while in a relationship. Finally, we’ll also talk about a few practical tips to create a loving relationship.
This is an episode that’ll open your eyes to the reality that anyone can have a great relationship as long as they have the willingness to give their full efforts and commitment to it. I’m excited to share Dr. Laura’s wisdom with you, so without further ado, let’s dive in!
Who Is Dr. Laura Berman?
Dr. Laura Berman is the world’s leading expert in sex, love, and relationships. She earned two Masters and a Ph.D. degree from New York University and has spent the last several decades helping individuals and couples around the globe love and be loved better.
In addition to her clinical practice, Dr. Laura is the award-winning host of the nationally syndicated show, Uncovered Radio with Dr. Laura Berman. She’s been honored with a Gracie Award for Best Talk Radio Show Host and recently was named one of Radio Ink’s Most Influential Women in Radio.
Dr. Laura is also a best-selling New York Times author of eight books, and hosted and starred in several television shows, including OWN’s In the Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman, The Dr. Laura Berman Show, and Sexual Healing on Showtime. Dr. Laura is a well-loved and regular expert on love and relationships on television, radio, and written media and is on the advisory board of the Dr. Oz Show.
It goes without being said, but Dr. Laura is the perfect person to walk us through a discussion about relationships, sex, and intimacy.
Do you crave a healthy relationship? Are you tired of being in relationships that don’t last and leave you hurt? Do you want to learn how to improve your sex life? If so, let’s get started with the interview.
Intimacy: Its Importance and How to Build It in Relationships
Being in a relationship is tough work. You need to understand your partner’s love language, which may be different than yours, and learn how to talk to them about intimacy. Sex, for example, is a topic that your partner might not be comfortable talking about. Some people might be even embarrassed talking about it. But avoiding the topic of sex isn’t something that you should do if you want a loving relationship because it’s an essential part of it. Dr. Laura discussed how important talking about sex is:
“Sex is just one part of a whole beautiful working relationship. It’s just one aspect that makes relationships work, but when it’s not working, there’s a real disconnect. The act of sex should be prioritized because it’s one thing that can help you feel better connected to your partner.” – Dr. Laura Berman
Dr. Laura also pointed out that couples in a relationship should be able to get comfortable talking about what they like and desire in sexual intimate experiences because it allows intimacy and connection. This can be a difficult conversation to have, but Dr. Laura shared how we can go about it:
“The number one requirement you must have is a partner who’s open to learning and can take feedback. They don’t have to be perfect, but it’s great if they aren’t super reactive, defensive, or easily insulted. This allows a real conversation to flow. Another key is to know what you want. Ask yourself what arouses you. Take time to learn your own body so you’ll know what you like. Lastly, provide positive feedback to your partner. Tell them what you want more of what felt good, you know, what you loved, what would turn you on. Have this conversation outside the sexual scenario because you know, feelings are running high and insecurities are running high when you’re getting physically intimate. ” – Dr. Laura Berman
However, there might be instances during intimacy that you feel that your partners are disconnected. Before jumping to any huge conclusions, Dr. Laura explained why some people, particularly women, seem to be disconnected sometimes when it comes to sex. She said that this disconnection can be a result of their culture and upbringing. In worse scenarios, it can be from sexual trauma.
“When women are disconnected in a sexual situation, it’s protective. They might be protecting their vulnerability. It might be that their inhibitions have something to do with how they were reared as kids, and they have stories about what nice girls do and don’t do. It could be that they have a history of trauma, and they have to work to keep themselves present.” – Dr. Laura Berman
According to Dr. Laura, sexual trauma is one of the main reasons why it could be hard, not just for women, but also for men, to truly connect when having sex. Many victims of sexual abuse go into the coping mechanism of forcing their minds to wander off from what’s happening. To work on this, Dr. Laura suggested the importance of getting back into one’s body. She suggests the importance of breathwork, which allows a person to feel relaxed and just let the energy flow at the moment.
Humans handle any sort of trauma a lot differently than other creatures. We tend to amplify the pain of the past, and we get so attached to it, so it’s hard for us to move on.
“I find that usually when people do that when they’re committed to their trauma, it’s because they’ve never had a place or a person that can hold it for them” – Dr. Laura Berman
What Dr. Laura is telling us is that by not having the courage to look for a safe space where one can feel open enough to share, our journey of sexual healing will never happen. However, once we take a leap of faith and be courageous enough to talk about our painful experience, we’ll be able to feel freer, more accepted, and more loved.
Whatever your story, this is a step for us to accept ourselves better so we can connect deeply with other people. Whether it’s in the act of communicating, allowing ourselves to go into a commitment, or getting intimate with another person, these experiences can help us build the intimacy we’re all craving for.
