Let me clarify that question a little bit: I’m not talking about a COVID-19 mask. I’m talking about a figurative mask. Are you hiding who you are? Do you put on a face every time you walk out your door into the outside world, only to come home at the end of a long day, exhausted and empty?
The reality is there is still an overwhelming amount of pressure to conform to societal, gender, and racial stereotypes. If someone tries to break out of their bubble, then other people often shame them for not being like everyone else. If you belong to a minority, then you understand this more than I possibly could.
We are all destined for beautiful things, and we step into that destiny when we accept who we are.
My guest today on Episode 974 of The School of Greatness is someone who stepped boldly into her identity, owns her voice, and is using her influence for good. I talked about healing trauma, owning your truth, and being transgender in America with the wonderful actress and celebrity Laverne Cox!
Who Is Laverne Cox?
Laverne needs no introduction, but I’ll give her one anyway.
Laverne Cox is a three-time Emmy Award-nominated actress, an Emmy-winning producer, and the executive producer of the new Netflix documentary, Disclosure, a film that examines how transgender people have been depicted in film and television over the past century.
With various ‘firsts’ in her already impressive career, Laverne Cox continues to make history in her career and significant strides in her activism. She is a pioneering transgender activist with a staggering list of achievements and acknowledgments, including being the first openly transgender person to grace the cover of Time magazine and the first to be nominated for a Primetime Emmy in an acting category. Laverne also debuted in the groundbreaking role of Sophia Burset, in the critically acclaimed Netflix original series “Orange is The New Black.” Laverne is the first trans woman of color to have a leading role on a mainstream scripted television show.
Laverne started her medical transition in 1998 at the age of 26. Along her journey, she encountered racism, classism, transphobia, misogyny — you name it. Her path to becoming the woman we know today was not easy.
“I didn’t have my first surgery until seven years after that. I couldn’t afford everything. Except for my hormone replacement therapy, every aspect of my transition I’ve paid for out of pocket. It’s amazing, but it means I was waiting tables and barely paying my rent in New York. It took a really long time to put that sort of money together.” – Laverne Cox
Throughout our conversation, Laverne shared stories from her life and moments of struggle that brought her to where she is today. We talked about her childhood in Alabama, learning to be comfortable in your own skin, vulnerability, and society’s definition of masculinity, and so much more.
Navigating Gender Roles as a Trans Woman
Despite Laverne’s difficult start in life, she’s been able to move through the pain and trauma.
“I’ve had a lot of unfortunate things happen to me, but I don’t need to be defined by those things. I’m not in denial of them, but they don’t define me.” – Laverne Cox
This mindset resonated with me. As a man, I’ve denied my pain in the past, making it hard to release and move past it. I’ve lived behind these masks of masculinity that inflict pain on ourselves, on other people, and on the world. It wasn’t until I started to speak to my past sexual abuse that I was able to stop feeling anger and hurt.
Laverne sees so many men struggle with the way our society values and defines masculinity. Masculinity in our society has somehow become synonymous with being invulnerable. Especially in her dating life, Laverne meets many men who think if they date her, that means they’re gay.
“Men don’t want people to think they’re gay because usually people disavow the womanhood of trans women. They assume [the partners of trans women] must be gay because they don’t accept me as a woman. The man has to be comfortable with that. I think there’s also the piece of, even if he’s comfortable with himself, the potential loss of social privilege and power. One guy that I dated years ago, when we started dating, said he was cool. Then he got really weird. I found out years later he was in insurance and risk management. At his firm, people found out one of his coworkers was gay, and that man was ostracized. He was made fun of and harassed so badly that he ended up quitting. This man saw that while he’s starting to date me and that freaked him out. It freaked him out to such an extent that he needed to distance himself [from me].” – Laverne Cox
The way we define masculinity often feels like a trap. When I was a kid, I was pretty sensitive. My sisters would always call me the sensitive jock because I would go out and destroy people on the football field. Then I would go home and play guitar — I had this emotional side to me, and I remember being a very affectionate kid. I remember vividly so many teammates shoving me with anger in their eyes, saying, “Don’t be gay. Don’t be a little girl. Don’t be X, Y, and Z.” But, when kids get that message, they’re told they can’t be themselves. They grow up putting on a mask, a mask that can be hard to take off as you go through life.
